World Cancer Day 2024

Although I don't blog much these days, World Cancer Day should be marked.

I recently completed my 9th year of fighting this battle and I got a plethora of supportive and encouraging messages on the day, all of which I was exceptionally grateful for. That feeling of being wrapped in the warmth of love and compassion of family and friends is utterly indescribable.

But I must be honest - I genuinely don't know whether still being alive is a blessing or a curse.

I'm not the person I used to be. Nine long years of fighting leukaemia and chronic pain have made me irascible, angry and bitter. I don't like myself very much these days. The various treatments and management are bad enough, each in their own way. But the effects of both diseases combined is that they suck all of the joy out of me. It is really hard to wake up every day and summon up the strength to face another day of life-sucking pain.

I get angry so quickly these days. I hope that I am still compassionate and caring (which I set out to be the founding principles of my life as an adult 40 years ago) but I sense anger so much more quickly. I don't want to be miserable and I work really hard not to be, but I challenge anyone to be happy and smiling when your entire body feels like it is being smashed to pieces in an industrial crushing machine.

It shouldn't annoy me, but there is nothing worse than someone saying "You're looking well". Yeah - I look well because my face is flushed from the efforts of keeping the pain under control or because my blood count has just gone on a hike up Everest!

I read an article many years ago (written by a cancer survivor) on the subject of the "tyranny of the positive" and I know exactly what they meant. So many times I have written posts like this and then not published it because I know I'll get a load of messages telling me to be strong, and keep my chin up and be positive.

Aaaaaarrrrgggghhhhh!!!!!! I end up feeling guilty for being honest about how I'm feeling. Well guess what? Most days I wish I hadn't survived this long! Most days I wished we didn't have ridiculously out of date and inhumane laws against dying with dignity! Most days I just want to crawl into a corner and cry. So I beg you - please don't exhort me to keep my chin up or to keep on being positive. I can't do it every day. Its not a tap I can turn on.

In her later years, even before dementia set in, my mother would talk interminably about dying and would urge us not to grieve for her when she did pass. As you can imagine, as her children, it became very upsetting for us to hear her talk like that, and I have made a very deliberate and conscious effort not to do that. But you know what? I absolutely understand what she meant! I don't want anyone to grieve for me when I am blissfully released from this cage of torture. I want everybody to be joyful that I am no longer in paroxysms of agony every day. I want everyone to drink and be merry about the happy times we had together. If anyone cries and my funeral, I will not be happy.

In my early posts I wrote about how grateful I was for the support of those around me, and that absolutely and unequivocally remains the case. Without their love and support, I doubt I'd have got this far - and without them, I would have stopped fighting years ago. But if you know anyone who is going through their own health battle, just understand that they can't be happy and cheerful and positive all the time, because sometimes it's just not possible. I'll always work hard at being cheerful and fun to be around but please understand that almost all of the time, it's an act - and like all actors - sometimes the mask will slip.

And never forget, they are more grateful than words can express for your love, support and compassion. Don't feel that you have to say comforting things. Don't feel the need to tell them to keep their chin up or to be positive. You don't need to respond or react when they vent their frustration and write something like this blog post. Believe me - they understand that you love them and support them. Tell them that - it really is all they need.

So, on World Cancer Day, I hope that the world will become more compassionate, and that people will look more at themselves before they criticise others. But most of all, I hope we become more understanding of each other. We never know what other people are going through. We can't look into their soul and see the intensely personal battles they are facing. All we can do is to just let them know we are there to support them with love and compassion.

Thank you for all your love, support and compassion. I just do not have the words to tell you how grateful I am.

Whatever battle you are fighting, whatever demons you are facing down, just know that there are people who love you very much.

Whoever you are, my love and thoughts go with you. I wish every single one of you these three things:

Love, Compassion and Peace.