Why I've been quieter recently

Generally, my inane ramblings have been motivated by whatever my emotions were doing on any particular day. But recently, I just haven't been able to summon up the writing muse. She has been flighty and elusive. I dated a few girls like that in my youth and it was a bloody frustrating experience. It hasn't changed.

But this led me to wonder why. I love writing this garbage - I find it so cathartic and I have even started to write a book. I even got a good 40% through it before the inspiration ran out faster than aurally sensitive bat at a Slipknot gig (oh I am so trendy!).

The thing is - talking about emotions and stuff is divisive. There are those who are really uncomfortable about talking about emotional stuff - or even acknowledging its existence. They like it even less when others talk about it in their presence. There are those who feel people should just 'man up' and deal with stuff and stop bleating about it.
We seem to have arrived in a world where if you disagree with someone, they feel the need to verbally attack you. People seem to be incapable of respectfully agreeing to disagree. As human beings evolve, we display less and less humanity.

So, we tend to shy away from difficult conversations for fear of being seen as weak or inadequate in some way. And yet, this is astonishingly dangerous. If someone was walking towards a fast moving car, would you simply stand by and watch the inevitable carnage, or would you try to help that person?

Let's go a step further - If you saw a blind person about to walk out into a street where fast moving cars were whizzing past, but the pedestrian's access into the road was blocked by a verbal "Do Not Cross" message, would you block that signal so they could not hear it? Of course you wouldn't - and yet people still think it is acceptable to call someone weak or inadequate because they are suffering with depression.

I'm a bit old fashioned. I expect people to take responsibility for their own actions and their own lives. I have little empathy with people who say "there should be more support for this or that". I read a news story yesterday about a couple on a quarantined cruise (we're in the middle of a coronavirus outbreak at the moment) who said the government should have given them more support to get home.

Why?

They are exactly where they should be to suppress the spread of the virus that has been detected on their ship. But because they wanted to go home, they think the government should have made that happen. Ridiculous.

So - I don't expect everyone to run round to look after me when I'm struggling (as I often do these days). In fact, I would absolutely hate that. But I do expect them to understand -without prejudice - that counselling, taking appropriate medication or other treatment options are bloody good things - and they are the actions of a mature, intelligent, self-aware human being.

We all have 'things' we worry about most. For some it's health, for others it's their career. Lots of different things that drill away at our subconscious.

I worry about money - that's my 'thing'. I think I've said before, the outcome of my illness does not scare me. I have had a wonderful life, filled with the most magnificent family and friends. Nothing about dying bothers me - except obviously for the pain it will bring for those I leave behind.

But running out of money scares the beejesus out of me. Unfortunately for me, I got diagnosed just as the incredibly short-sighted changes to IR35 came into force - I won't bore you with the details but basically, it has made clients absolutely terrified of an HMRC investigation and as a consequence, the contracting/ consulting profession has to all intents and purposes collapsed. It befuddles the mind that HMRC is being run by people who came up with a policy that had had the effect of actually reducing the amount of tax revenue generated.

The thing that keeps me awake and scares the living daylights out of me most is not my terminal illness. I am blessed to have a magnificently generous brother and sister who have gone way beyond the call of duty. But as the savings dwindle, its impossible to not get really anxious, to the point that it's the first thing you think about in the morning, the last thing you think about at night - and (combined with the pain of your illness), it's the thing that keeps you awake at night.

So I have sought various sources of help to deal with the anxiety. None of them can deal with the practicalities but all of them help to some extent. My first port of call is always MacMillan - they are magnificent. At the risk of repeating myself - that's what a mature self-aware person will do. You have a problem and you find whatever help you can. It's natural, logical and intelligent.

So, at the end of another piece of inane rambling - here's my advice (and it is only my advice - feel free to adopt or ignore as you see fit). Even if you think depression and emotional turbulence are signs of weakness, even if you have no truck with people who sometimes need some emotional support, even if you think that getting support is for other people - try to be kind to those who don't share your outlook.

Emotions are difficult things. Like the human beings they motivate, they are complex, unpredictable and hard to fathom sometimes. We all have them whether we like it or not.

It might be worth remembering that that 'thing' that makes you find emotional vulnerability or depression distasteful is - in itself - an emotion.

Stay strong. Fight hard. Smile lots.