What would YOU talk about?

Sometimes I just want to write one of these blogs because I feel the need to vent, to get stuff off my chest.

But then when I sit down to write, I just don't have a specific point that I want to make and the words just don't come.

You'd think that after nearly 10 years, I'd have thought up a million things to say. But the truth is, sooner or later, it's just the same old crap -and I've already written about it so often.

Don't get me wrong - I love having these chats with you. I love having someone to talk to and I love that it's just the two of us and I can be honest and open with you. It's cathartic and healing. I'm so grateful to you for listening.

But after a while, it's hard to come up with something new to chat to you about. I drag you here to listen to me but I just don't have anything new to say. But I still need to have these chats with you because it's so bloody good for me. Anyone who has gone through any trauma, be it emotional, medical or physical, will tell you that the worst thing in the world is feeling that you're alone with whatever it is you are fighting. We all just need to talk sometimes.

We've already chatted before about the "night terrors". For me it usually happens around 3am on (yet another) sleepless night. The world gets awfully dark in these night terrors where your brain gets too active and the options it shows you for your future leave you with the loneliest sense of despair that a man can feel.

For me, it is a regular and frequent occurrence.I can see from your face that you know these night terrors yourself. I wonder if there is anyone alive who has not felt the dread weight of those demons.

We can talk about the pain and the fact that nowadays, I can never escape it. It will never improve. But we've done that before. Many times.

Maybe I could talk about the frustration, the sheer seething bitter anger, that invades my every waking thought. Why me? Why do I have to not only fight leukaemia, but also chronic pain? What have I done that was so fecking awful that this is my punishment?

Maybe we can talk about how, increasingly, I find it hard to contain that anger and I allow it too much leash on social media. Honestly! People coming up with pathetic conspiracy theories when their fellow humans are going through hell? Get a fecking life.

And now dementia on top of that? My memory is failing and my ability to execute basic logic is breaking down? How is that fair? I've never robbed a bank, I've never assaulted or killed anyone. As far as I know, I've never broken a law in my entire life. Although I was a selfish hedonistic bastard in my early adulthood (arguably I was still a teenager until the age of 23), I never hurt anyone. In fact, since the age of 23, I've deliberately and specifically set out to be the most decent, honourable, hard-working compassionate person I can be. Yeah - sometimes I've failed but not through malice or deliberation. So why am I getting punished like this?

So we could talk about that - but we've talked about that before too. And I've just done it again now. And I feel better for doing so.

Maybe its just a matter of telling a fellow human being how you feel. I was talking to a dear friend recently about Pride month (she happens to be gay). When I was growing up, being gay meant physical violence, verbal abuse and raw ignorant hatred. Although we have become a more compassionate society, gay people still face abuse and violence every day. She was saying how much it helped her to talk through her anxiety and experience with her friends. It's always good to talk.

And before we get too comfortable and self-congratulatory in our own comfort zone - gays, women, people of all races, and many others still face bigotry and prejudice every day. We must never rest until that is no longer the case. And that makes me angry too. So maybe we can talk about that in more depth sometime.

We always talk about me - but what about you? What would you like to talk about? If you had this opportunity to chat, how would you fill this precious time we have together?

I guess the point is that we just talk. It can be about something or nothing. But just giving vent to our innermost anxieties and simply verbalising those things that scare the crap out of us, is good for us.

It certainly is for me.

Thank you for listening. I love you for doing so.

Stay strong. Fight hard. Laugh lots