There be monsters !

May has been such a frustrating month.

My weight has remained more or less stable, only losing 1.1 Kilos across the entire month. That contrasts with the previous month where I lost 8.1 kilos. It feel like I have hit a wall.

But have I?

The data clearly shows that my weight loss has not been consistent. It has been up and down almost on a month by month basis and it would appear that, after the first three months, I have had one good month followed by a bad one.

The further I travel in this process, the more I have come to understand the almost immeasurable impact that my mental state has on my weight loss. If I'm upbeat and happy - and most importantly, having a better month pain-wise - then I will have a good month in terms of how much weight I lose.

But, if I'm really struggling with my mental health because of pain or depression, then the results are far less rewarding. To a degree, it can almost become a vicious circle: I feel rubbish, so I start snacking on things that are damaging for my diet. Eating chocolate (for example) releases exactly the same endorphins as doing some exercise, and trust me - when I'm having a severe pain episode, I'm reaching for the chocolate a damn sight faster than I'm reaching for the treadmill.

In recent years, I've written a lot about managing my mental health and how I've got better at it, but I wonder if that's really true. My behaviours during severe pain episodes haven't really changed in the last 5 years and I still see myself becoming ever more brooding and introspective when pain is lashing me into prolonged periods of silent solitude.

Keeping one's balance is never easy...

And sometimes we fall

As adults, I wonder how often we recognise when we are experiencing depression or mental health issues. As a society, we have progressed massively in adopting a more mature and sensible attitude towards mental health, but there is still a significant number of us who refuse to recognise - and therefore address - mental health issues.

Here's big news for you. More than 90% of the population will experience depression/ generalised anxiety during their lifetime. Most of those will be over the age of 45. Far too many of us think that we are the only ones feeling depressed, anxious, or overwhelmed, when the reality is that pretty much all of us are. "You are not alone" has never been more true.

What is less well understood is that it is perfectly normal to feel like that. It doesn't mean that you need to be admitted to a psychiatric ward or get sectioned ! It just means that you need a bit of help in regaining your mental equilibrium. It doesn't make you weak, or sick or any less of a man/woman. In fact - to tell you the truth, understanding that from time to time we all need a bit of help makes you stronger, more mature and more likely to be able to be resilient in the face of such feelings.

So May was a bad month from a pain perspective, and that has a knock on effect on my weight loss program. Managing weight loss while enduring chronic pain presents unique challenges that can hinder progress and affect overall well-being. For individuals suffering from persistent pain, physical activity often becomes a daunting task because any movement results in an avalanche of pain. Much of my weight loss program is predicated on being reasonably active but pain episodes make exercise impossible and less exercise means less weight lost. The negative mindset is compounded by the fact that less exercise (and therefore no weight loss) inevitably leads to frustration and feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing..

In addition to physical barriers, the emotional aspects of dealing with chronic pain can significantly impact my motivation to pursue weight loss goals. My mood swings create a cycle of emotional highs and lows that destroy my motivation levels and I find myself grappling with feelings of hopelessness and lack of self-worth, making the pursuit of fitness and healthy eating ever more challenging.

Fatigue is another formidable obstacle. Chronic pain constantly disrupts sleep patterns, leaving me drained during the day. This fatigue steals the energy needed to prepare balanced meals or engage in physical activity, leading to reliance on convenient but nutritionally poor food options.

When faced with these barriers, the psychological toll of chronic pain significantly complicates my ability to adhere to a healthy lifestyle. The emotional distress associated with chronic pain skews my self-image, which further diminishes motivation and contributes to a cyclical pattern of weight gain and deteriorating health.

Familiarity breeds...understanding?

And understanding brings...enlightenment?

So I recognise that not every month is going to give me the results I want.

Back in December 2025, I wrote about the fact that my wonderful joint medical team and I were undertaking a series of actions, each designed to help reduce the impact of the worst of the pain episodes. One of those actions was to undertake a course of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) which aims to help me have a better relationship with pain and thereby help me mitigate the impact of the worst episodes. Given what we discussed above, it seems like an obvious step to take but it has taken me a surprisingly long time to get here. It also needs to be seen in conjunction with what I learned at UCLH's Pain Management Workshop. These are all tools in my armoury and I hope that CBT will become one of my most powerful weapons.

Learning to ride out the storm

So, the long and the short of it is that I need to learn to balance the needs of dealing with chronic pain and leukaemia alongside managing my weight loss program.

They will never be comfortable bedfellows, but I refuse to accept that I cannot adhere mor effectively to my weight loss program even when the pain is at its monstrous worst. I just shouldn't expect every month to be the same as the best, but I will need to redouble my efforts to make sure that next month is better than the last.

Stay Strong. Fight Hard. Laugh Lots.

The Pain Monster, rarely far from my shoulder, overwhelmed me in May and my lack of weight loss bears bitter testament to a bad pain month,

You can find May's video companion to this blog at https://youtu.be/ShUhlatD8GU