Sometimes its just dark

Just a quick warning - This blog's a bit dark so you might want to navigate elsewhere. As I explained in the early blogs, I write these blogs as part of my management of my mental health and I need to get this one out of my head. I hugely appreciate and value the compassionate and supportive messages, but that's not why I write.

It's been a rough month or so. Depression can be a fierce opponent in the CLL battle. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you just can't pull yourself out of a depressive episode. It is so draining to wake up every morning (on those rare occasions when you've been afforded the luxury of sleep) to find that the pain of yesterday is still there, undiminished and all-encompassing. But on those nights when sleep has been as elusive as a twig in a a tornado, the long dark hours of lying in bed sleepless and tortured by pain, anxiety and angry frustration can feel overwhelming.

Coherent thought and intelligent common sense are never your bedfellows on these journeys. Your mind just spirals down to the depths of sadness, pain, and anxiety and its journey downwards is unhindered by any vestige of perspective or the bright light of reality and this simply reinforces your sense of worthlessness and hopelessness.

Depressive episodes can last a day or two or last for several weeks - or in some cases, much much longer. Eventually, (and I can't believe I am unique here), you start to wonder about death. Hell - I have a terminal illness that most of the time leaves me feeling absolutely bloody awful. Surely it is not unnatural if, in the dark depths of a depressive episode when the pain, anxiety and frustration envelop you like a smothering fog, a little thought pops into your head - "would it really be so awful if I just passed on?".

I just want to be clear here - I am not suicidal, nor have I ever been. I'm just not that sort of personality. But there have been times, particularly during those seemingly interminable dark hours, that I wondered if it would all be so much simpler for everyone - including me - if I was no longer here. The financial situation would be sorted, my wife could finally get on with her own life (she has basically subjugated her own life, wants and needs to look after me for the last 5 years) and I would be free from all this pain and shittiness that is so much a daily experience of this bloody illness that I have.

By and large, I believe most people do not want to suffer from bouts of depression. Don't get me wrong, I'm well aware there are hypochondriacs and those who love a good wallow in their own misery (whether their ailments are imagined, real or a figment of their imagination). Some use it as a ploy to elicit sympathy and we know that these are often the genesis of instances of Munchausen's Syndrome. But as a general rule, human beings like to be happy, not sad.

I'm a crowd pleaser. That's my personality type. I spend far too much time worrying about upsetting people and I derive immeasurable pleasure from helping people or solving their problems. As a result, you tend to avoid writing blogs like this one in case it upsets those closest to you. As I have said a thousand times, I have the most wonderful, dedicated and thoughtful wife, family and friends. I could not be luckier. Their existence and their love always brighten the darkest of depressive episodes. But sometimes, even their wonderfulness and the joy they bring can't quite pull you out of the depths of sadness.

The reality is that when those thoughts of death arise in the darkest hours, it is the thought of my beloved wife, family and friends that drive me on to get better (and let's always remember that depression is an illness - every bit as much as cancer, multiple sclerosis, dementia or anything else). I couldn't bear the thought of them being unhappy because of me and that makes me want to shake off the shackles of depression. Sometimes I need help in doing that but most of the time, a lot of the effort and desire needs to come form me.

I've always believed that I should try to be the best person I can. Sometimes I fail but I never stop trying. That means that it would be wrong to bring everyone around me down just because I am having a depressive episode. So I frequently wage a brutal battle against my inner demons while presenting a cheerful face to the world. I always confide in those who are best at helping me deal with it - sometimes just acknowledging to others that you are struggling can help enormously. There are those to whom I am exceptionally close that I wouldn't dream of telling that I was struggling mentally. That's not a reflection of the closeness of our relationship or a gauge of how much I love them. Different people play different roles in my life (and I'm sure I play multiple roles in the lives of those closest to me) and some people are just better at this than others. They each have their own strengths and weaknesses and I love them all for the parts they play.

I'm not sure what point I'm trying to make or even if there is a point to be made. Happily, medical science and my management of my own mental health have pulled me out of my recent depressive episode and I have some perspective on it (and its predecessors). This is what I need to remember:

It's OK to occasionally give in to the depressive thoughts and let them run free - as long as you eventually grab the reins and pull them back in. Sometimes allowing your mind to visit the depression place is enough to remind you how much better the happy place is for you and those around you.

Sometimes its OK to weep for those things that you can no longer have - as long as you can bring yourself back to the realisation of the wonder and majesty of what you actually have now.

Sometimes its OK to wish you could die just to be free of the pain - as long as you can always find the resilience and strength within yourself to pick yourself up one more time and come back fighting with everything you've got.

But most of all, I know that there is no shame in admitting that I struggle mentally sometimes. In many ways, accepting that I suffer from depression and depressive episodes is life affirming.

It means I am human.

Stay strong. Fight hard. Smile lots. Stay safe.