Nobody's listening

Hi everybody! I hope you are all doing well.

As regular readers of my drivel will know, I recently turned to making videos to commemorate (celebrate doesn't seem quite the right word !) my ten year anniversary since being diagnosed with leukaemia.

The plan was to make some videos that described my experience of going through the health challenges that I have faced in the last ten years. The purpose for creating the films still remained the same as the reason I write these blogs - I need to get the angry poisonous stuff out of my head.

But here's the thing: They've fallen flatter than a deflated pancake and I'm a bit disappointed and discouraged. The picture above is an actual analysis of the latest video which - from all my family and friends - garnered a massive...wait for it...17 views ! What's worse, is that of those, only 4 watched it all the way through. People watched the video for an average of less than 4 minutes.

Now at nearly 17 minutes, one could argue it was a bit long. Or that the content was very specific (describing why pain is difficult to diagnose and what tactics we can use for managing pain) and perhaps I should have split it into two. And the way Facebook and Instagram work (and I'm not great at either), there's no guarantee that they're even being made aware that a new video is out.

But, even so - Out of everybody out there, only 17 could be bothered to watch it, and of those, only 4 got all the way through?

So is there any point in making any more?

It takes a lot of time and effort to make the films. Filming is always constrained by how bad the pain is and how good my speech is. It's not an exaggeration to say that it takes one hour to get one minute worth of film and many times that to edit and get the animations and similar created and slotted in.

I kinda enjoy the process of editing and creating these films (despite possessing less artistic talent than a blind slug) but there's no point when not even my nearest and dearest can be bothered to watch them. The films help me get the anger, frustration and bitterness out - my life has imploded and I'm pissed off about it, but I'm shouting at the world and no-one is listening.

But here's the point. Would it be nice if lots and lotsa of people watched my videos and watched them all the way through? Yes of course it would.

But I'm not making these films so that other people will watch them. I don't actually care if I get zero views. Like I said earlier - I make these films for the same reason as I write these blogs. It is critical to my mental health (and general sanity) that I get the poisonous stuff out of my head.

I am going through a bad phase with the pain when every day seems to be bad. I'm angry, frustrated and bitter every single day at the moment. I am seethingly resentful of how my body has turned against me and left me ravaged by pain and fatigue. I am so frustrated about not being able to get much exercise and the inevitable and consequent weight gain. I hate the fact that I know people look at me like I'm some kind of slob.

As my brain increasingly lets me down, I find myself retreating further into myself every day and my world becomes smaller as a consequence. I feel nervous and anxious about speaking to all but my closest friends and family. Whatsapp messages are much more preferable than direct contact. Sources of, or reasons for, positivity have become ever more elusive and rare.

The need to get poisonous stuff out of my head has never been greater or more urgent. My mental armour has never been weaker and it is in desperate need of repair against the incessant attacks.

So whether nobody watches them or lots of people watch them, I'm still going to make them. They take my mind off the pain and the damaging negative thoughts. They keep depression at bay. They occupy my mind leaving less space for the pain to contaminate.

More than ever, I need to live up to my motto: