Loss for Life

It's not really a new year's resolution. Those are generally pointless and short-lived.

This is more of a life decision. And here it is - I am announcing it here on my grossly over-subscribed channel (5 subscribers !!). Shout it from the rafters:

I am going to get to 18 stone.

Now for 99% of the population, 18 stone probably sounds ridiculously heavy and grossly unhealthy. And they would be right. But to put it into proper perspective, let's look at my starting point. A month ago, I was 153 Kilos. For old people like me, that's just a smidge over 24 stone. Ridiculous. How I got to this weight really isn't important. What's past is past and I cannot undo it. Fighting leukaemia and chronic pain comes at a price. 24 stone is my price.

I'm not under-estimating the size of the challenge ahead of me. I know it will require significant behavioral change from me. If only I knew something about achieving major behavioral change...oh hang on...

Change...or die?

I'm also not doing this alone. I wrote recently about how my GP and a multi-disciplinary team are working on a programme to help me better manage pain. Think of it as a series of individual activities, each one specifically designed to help me manage pain a little bit better. Anyone familiar with the marginal gains theory will recognise the principle that if I can undertake a variety of actions, each one designed to make a small percentage improvement in my situation, then when those aggregate together, they will make a significantly large percentage improvement to my situation.

Frankly, even if we can make a difference of 5%, it will give me a reason to continue fighting. In truth, this programme of actions with my GP (and the multi-disciplinary team) really is my last stand against fighting pain. My life has become a pale shadow of existence, lurching morosely between bouts of extreme chronic pain that last days on end. As each one passes, I exist timidly and fearfully, knowing the next bout is both close and terrifyingly inevitable. I am not living. I am merely existing, pointlessly and in agony. It is intolerable, and if we cannot by our actions improve it, what is the point in continuing to suffer such a miserable and abhorrent existence? This is no way for anyone to live.

Better Sleep Helps

I've spoken before about addressing my lack of sleep. I'm happy to report that taking mirtazapine as part of my bedtime routine has led to better sleep. I still wake up during the night to go for a pee (anyone over the age of 60 is now nodding their head like an over-enthusiastic bobblehead) but now I generally get back to sleep.

Getting back to sleep is crucial because it stops the 3am terrors (the point during the night where insomnia makes everything seem dark, horrible and impossible). Something I 've realised recently is that the effect of the 3am terrors lingers long into the waking hours. They generate depression and subdued moods. They lead to darker waking thoughts and make every day just that little bit tougher. Pile that on top of the impact of two or three days where the pain never dropped below 9 and you understand why on several occasions in the last 12 months, I have actively contemplated a trip to Switzerland and the Dignitas clinic.

Reasons not raisins

I need to lose weight for a whole variety of reasons but primarily for me because that will aid my sleep and as any schoolchild knows, sleep is when the body best restores and heals itself. Being overweight causes the airways to become obstructed and this leads to restlessness and sleeplessness.

I know there will be many of you yelling at me that losing weight will also help my pain situation, however, sadly, that has proven not to be the case. At the start of 2024, I spent 4 months working hard at an exercise regime where I lost 2 stone, but during the same period, my pain experience deteriorated significantly. So (according to my joint team) we have proved that for me, there is no causal link between weight loss and pain reduction. But then again, it can't hurt, can it?

I know there will be ups and downs. When I first started, I was 153 Kilos (I'll be working in kilos from now on), and today I am 150.1. But a week ago it had popped up to 151.3. Frustrating. That's good that I got it down to 150 but it's only a start. In 90 minutes I'll be off to the GP Surgery to find out what the weight is today.

I will have interim targets for myself, but I will not be too hard on myself if I don't hit them all - I know this is not a game of perfect - with apologies to Bob Rotella! If anyone has ever read that book (and anyone who aspires to play golf to any kind of standard really should) there are lots of concepts and principles that are applicable to life in general and I will be using concepts and principles from many sources to keep me motivated and active in my pursuit.

Wish me luck.

I wish you and yours a very happy Christmas and a very healthy new year. May happiness and peace follow your every footstep.

Stay Strong. Fight Hard. Laugh Lots.

I'm back from the review and my weight didn't change this week. Slightly frustrating but as I said - I know there will be ups and downs.