Keeping my balance doesn't come easy to me

This week, I got back to playing golf after a very difficult 4 months away. It has been an experience of contrasting emotions.

One one hand - it has been wonderful weather and it felt so good to get back out in the fresh air and actually do something instead of just pottering around the house or garden. It felt great to swing the club again and play reasonably decent golf. It has been such a joy to be involved in all the laughs and banter and be part of the joking and mickey-taking. The sun-kissed fairways have looked fantastic and the course has played so well despite a month without any rain.

It just lifts the soul to be back playing. It made me so happy.

But - on the other hand- I feel exhausted after playing - even if I've just done 9 holes. I'm done in today having played 18 yesterday. My body hates me today. I am stiff, sore and struggling for energy. It doesn't help that I'm having quite a bad pain day but even without that, I still feel like I could sleep and sleep until my name change to Rumplestiltsgibbo.

I know it is good for me, and I know I need to keep doing it for a whole variety of reasons, but how do find the balance between easing myself back in but still pushing myself hard enough? Where do I find the tipping point and draw a line there? I'm already in constant pain and I don't want to make it worse. Surely I can't be the only one who struggles to understand my own personal limits?

I had a chat with a physical therapist recently and he suggested a graduated approach. While that makes absolute sense to me, it's not that easy to achieve with golf. If I were going to a gym, I could decide how often I was going to go and for how long. But in golf, you either play 9 holes or 18. The gym is always open but I cannot always book a tee time at the time my medication regime allows me to play. Fridays are a write-off and some days its impossible to get out. So planning a graduated approach is not always within my power.

Maybe the answer is to do what I can but plan for recovery time afterwards. Maybe I just play a couple of times a week and make sure I have enough recovery time in the 24-36 hours afterwards. Maybe that's the closest I can get to finding a balance?

Don't get me wrong - I know these are minor problems in the overall scheme of things and I'm not losing my sense of perspective. I do need to be careful in managing both the leukaemia and the chronic pain syndrome and finding the balance - in all things - is critical to my overall sense of well-being.

Anyway - that's my musings for today. Now...it's time to get under a hot shower and soothe some of the aches and pains away, and think about that birdie on 15...

Stay strong. Fight hard. Laugh lots.