I'm tired of pretending

I haven't written for a while. A whole year, in fact. It's become increasingly difficult to write because I'm tired.

I'm tired of the short-sighted, narrow minded political bigotry that is nourished by tired, lazy tropes. Left or right - they're all the same - and they have the cheek and arrogance to point fingers at those who oppose them without recognising their own hypocrisy. For example - I recently read a post where someone described the current Tory government as homophobic, racist, misogynists, ignoring the fact that there were a record number of gay and female ministers in the government of an Asian Prime Minister. That's just one of a million examples I could have used.

I'm tired of the presumption that matters of national importance should be influenced by those who have no clue what they are talking about. Everybody is entitled to their opinion - that doesn't mean we should necessarily take any notice of them. I have views on the NASA Space strategy, but anyone who pays attention to them is a fool, because I have no knowledge or experience in the subject. You don't ask a Dentist about a plumbing problem.

I'm tired of the belief that news outlets should have an opinion. Just report the bloody news in an unbiased, balanced manner. I know you can do it - after all - you used to manage to do it perfectly well. It's only in the last two decades that you've decided to hold a political bias.

But most of all, I'm tired.

Tired of pretending that everything is ok.

Tired of pretending that I feel alright thanks.

Tired of pretending I'm not feeling sick.

Tired of pretending I can manage the pain.

Tired of pretending I can deal with the fatigue.

I'm tired of people telling me (with the best of intentions) that I look great when actually, I feel fucking awful.

I'm tired of painting on the smile and pretending to be cheery.

I'm tired of dying but not actually dying.

I'm just tired.

No - I'm exhausted.

When I was diagnosed with CLL, I was told the average mortality rate was 5-7 years. I remember thinking "It'll be great - I'll beat that easily and still have a great life". Well, as I enter my 9th year with this disease, I yearn for it to be over.

It's not just the disease itself. It's the associated fatigue and pain. There's lots of disagreements about whether one begets the other, but when I'm doubled up in pain for hours on end, it really is a pointless discussion. Oh sure - I've been through every option: Pain management, this combination of drugs, that combination of drugs, this protocol, that protocol. I'm tired of people suggesting "have you tried cannabis oil, have you tried this, have you tried that". Fuck off!!!!!! I know you mean well but after all these years, I've tried everything.

I've worked my arse off at all the options, but every day, it's still the same:

Pain, fatigue, repeat.

Someone once wrote about the "tyranny of the positive" where people constantly bombard you with messages about how important it is to be positive and upbeat. How about you come and be me for just one fucking day and we'll see how easy you find it to be cheery and upbeat??

This stuff isn't comparative. Telling me that there are those who are worse off doesn't help. It just pisses me off. Yeah - I know there are. But that is about as relevant as reading the classified football results to a man dying of thirst.

I'll never publish this where anyone reads it (unless you're one of the few who actually read my blog). But you have no idea how much I want to scream and shout and tell the whole world to fuck off.

If it weren't for the pain it would bring to those I care about more than I can possibly express in words, I would take myself off somewhere where I could expire with dignity. And if you have a problem with that, then it's something you need to deal with because it's my life, not yours. You know, I swear there would be a few people who would be angry with me for dying. I shit you not.

But I won't do it.

Because I'm stupid enough to believe that maybe tomorrow will bring a brighter day.

So when it all comes down to it, I'm actually just tired of me, and tired of being me.

And tired of the pain. And the fatigue. And the repeat.

I'm not just tired. I'm fucking exhausted.

Stay strong. Fight hard. Smile lots.

I wonder if I still really mean that or if it's just a pointless slogan now.