Failure IS an option

I was talking to someone for whom I have an enormous amount of affection, admiration and respect at the weekend, and he was saying how inspirational he found these ramblings of mine. I was particularly honoured by his words, because I know he has gone through his own challenges and rough times in recent years.

All the way back, many years ago when I first started writing these posts, I said that my main reason for writing them was to get stuff out of my own head. I needed to vent, and this is the way that works best for me. However, I also said that if any of my posts helps even one single person, then I am indescribably happy and proud. That still holds true to this day, but please don't think I am some kind of hero.

We all have our challenges to face and sometimes those challenges are less visible. Depression and loneliness (for example) are no less of an enemy than cancer. When fighting our battles, it's easy to lose our sense of perspective and only see our own issues and miss the issues of those people around us. Yes - we all need to work on managing our physical and mental health, but not at the expense of being a caring thoughtful person.

I know there are periods where I have become very self-absorbed and, quite frankly, selfish. Having a slow-progressing terminal illness is not an excuse for indulging in self-pity. Yes - I accept that there will be times when I need to vent but that doesn't give me the right to forget about caring for those I love and care about just because I'm having a rough time. I'm sad to say that I have been guilty of that far too often.

There is a small number of people with whom I will discuss the details of what's going on with my health. But even with them, it is a brief factual discussion about what's happening and then it's time to move on to other topics of discussion (preferably ones that make us laugh). For everyone else, it's a cheery "I'm fine" and a smile. That's not because I value them any less or don't like them. It's just that I don't see why I should bring other people down by moaning about my health all the time. I want people to be happy to see me, not wary of chatting to me in case I bring them down with my tale of woe. After all - isn't that why I write these blogs - so I can vent without bringing everyone else down?

But there are frequent times when I get utterly self-indulgent and selfish. Since as long as I can remember, I have always struggled with my weight and the treatment path that I've been on has not helped that. It's not as simple as being on the right side of the calories in versus calories out argument. Recently, I resolved to make an effort to work hard and lose some weight. But it has made absolutely not one ounce (literally) of difference. I'm still exhausted when I walk up a big flight of stairs, I'm still puffing when I mow the lawn, I'm still struggling after walking no more than a couple of miles, and I haven't lost any weight. I'm pissed off, frustrated and angry.

So I've had my own little fitness rebellion. I haven't done any exercise for a week. I've told myself that it is pointless and a waste of time and effort. In short, I am being self -indulgent, lazy and pathetically annoying. I bloody hate myself for being so freaking lazy.

But then, just as I'm getting full of self-loathing, I remember my beloved Heather who was the most wonderful counsellor to me, and friend to both my wife and me. I think people of my age have an image of counsellors who are a sort of namby-pamby wishy-washy soft, indulgent sympathiser.

Heather was pretty much the absolute opposite! She was tough as old boots and demanded that you helped yourself and didn't allow yourself to wallow in the misery of whatever challenge you faced. She expected you to pull yourself up by your unmentionables, grow a pair and fight back with everything you had. She was awesome. I loved her so much. She had these great sayings. She would set me targets of things to address/ achieve - and occasionally I would fail. When I tried to use the excuse of my health as an explanation for my failure, she would simply look me straight in the eye and say:

"Mike - I am completely out of fucks to give"

Oh man! She was awesome. It was her way of telling me that feeling sorry for myself was of no use whatsoever. And she was completely right too. Annoyingly.

But here's the important thing. She had another saying which was equally important.

"Everything in moderation. Including moderation"

In short, sometimes having that one-off treat is as good for you as not having it. Sometimes, half an hour of self-indulgent self-pity is fine - as long as you don't get lost in it. And sometimes, failing is fine - as long as you get right back up and start fighting hard again. Sometimes we're Humpty Dumpty and sometimes we're Superman. But above all, we're human, and to fail, is human.

So yeah - I'll get back to the training and exercise next week, but giving myself a few days off, doesn't need to result in me hating myself for being so weak. It inevitably will, but I'll bounce back.

So, when I'm struggling, I simply make the choice to do better. I choose to lift myself up and face the world again. I choose to try to be the same person as I was before all this stuff started a decade ago. I choose to be strong, not a victim.

Keeping a broad perspective is critically important. I cannot allow myself to get lost in my fight and ignore the struggles of those around me. Every single person on the planet is facing their own challenge and fighting their own battle. I am nothing special. So I got a rough deal. So what? So did billions of others and wallowing in my own self-pity and self-loathing isn't going to help me, or indeed, anyone else.

I may not always succeed and I will often fail, but I will never stop trying. It's a choice I make.

If you're fighting a battle, I hope you can make the same choice. I promise you - it will help. But when you fail - as you inevitably will - don't give up. There's always tomorrow when you can start again.

Whoever you are, I wish you happiness, peace and love.